gregmaguire

What a crappy movie, huh?

Anyway, my tuna sandwich I made this morning is shaped just like Minnesota.  
The bread's holes are even extra big representing all the lakes.

Pictures coming soon.

I flushed a brussels sprout down the toilet after my mother put applesauce and whipped cream on it.  

While driving through downtown Boston recently, there was a car in front of me with a lisence plate that read "Tesla1".  I didn't think much of it until I noticed that there was also a bumper sticker for the band Tesla. 
Then I turned my radio down to see if I could hear the music blaring out of the little honda. Sure enough, it was "Love Song" by Tesla. 

How strange. I mean...I can think of artists I hate like Steve Ray Vaughn and Jimmy Buffett and Bob Seger and any of them honored on a lisence plate would make more sense to me than Tesla.  Is there some Tesla cult I don't know about?

That must the the biggest Tesla fan in the world except someone out there probably has the "Tesla" lisence plate sans "1". 

2 oz vodka
1 oz dry vermouth
1 oz lime juice
1 celery stalk
1 spear cucumber (slightly bruised)

To Whom It May Concern at Hartz:

I just wanted to write you to let you know how disappointed my wife, my cat, and I were with your Catnip Bubbles.

My wife and I are often on the lookout for new exciting ways to entertain our beloved Soupie. Imagine our excitement when we saw a tomato red smiling kitty with a bobble head with a nifty package announcing the advent of Catnip Bubbles.

We purchased said package for $3.57 plus tax. We brought it home and were more than disenchanted with your product. I understand it is no fault of yours that our Soupie is afraid of bubbles and hid under the couch until the offensive soapy spheres had expired and were but a distant memory.

What bothered us was the elaborate packaging and its apparent attempt to delude prospective buyers. The cat’s bobble-like head (which popped right off, by the way) leads one to believe that the red cat promises more fun than a mere container would. To call the unique system of squeezing the cat’s belly to expose the miniature wand cumbersome would be an understatement. I suspect said design was a tactic used to keep the consumer ignorant as to the sheer grotesqueness of the solution that looked like the remains of a soapy enema. A fact I discovered when I decided to pour the mixture into a cup and use a normal sized bubble wand. I also couldn’t help but notice just how heavy the container was as opposed to the weight of a hollow container of the same size that would be filled with an expected amount of Catnip Bubble solution.

I realize your product never promised anything more than 4 ounces of bubbles with catnip in them and it was our own assumptions that led us to our dissatisfaction. But I just thought you should know that I’m disappointed with your company who I’ve been buying quality products from for more than a decade now. And for the record, I’m not sure if the catnip was a hindrance of any kind, but the bubbles blown were reasonably feeble. If Soupie ever overcomes her fear of bubbles, I will purchase the very economical, not to mention better, Amazing Bubbles. Then proceed sprinkle my own catnip in and be quite assured that I have a far superior product on my hands.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Gregory Maguire
20 Alcott St. #1
Allston, MA 02134

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To Whom It May Concern at National Amusements:

My wife and I have attended a number of movies at your Circle Cinemas in Brookline, Massachusetts.

I always noticed that the picture looked murky. My wife would say it's all my imagination and because I don't frequent many other movie theaters, I figured it was. Then I saw a movie at the new AMC movie theater in Boston Common and I was taken aback at how bright and vibrant the picture looked. At first I chalked it up to just being a new theater with new and better technology. But when I went back to your theater I thought the picture looked dim. I informed one of the employees there about my concern. He told me it was the way the print was.

I accepted that until I rented the DVD of Big Fish, a movie I had watched at your theater. The difference between my theater experience and the DVD was staggering. I could see so much more on DVD. I'm convinced that someone at that theater is dimming the bulbs of the projector in hopes to save a little money or prolonging the life of the bulb and at the same time compromising my moviegoing experience.

I'd appreciate if you would address my concern.

Thank you for your time

Sincerely,
Gregory Maguire
20 Alcott St. #1
Allston, MA 02134

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To Whom It May Concern at Jordan’s IMAX:

My wife and I are avid moviegoers. We were very excited to see “Batman Begins” and thought it would be the perfect time to take in our first movie on your IMAX screen.

I must tell you that you have a wonderful facility there and we enjoyed the movie immensely. But I regret to inform you that I am somewhat annoyed by the personalities of Barry and Elliot Jordan. This hasn’t affected my opinion of them as people or your company as we purchased a bed at your Natick store a couple years ago.

However, we were extremely irritated by your policy to plug the Jordan’s store immediately following the movie. As “Batman Begins” closes, Batman sweeps across the screen as the score bellows. Then a moment later, the music cuts out and is replaced by Barry and Elliot saying “I hope you enjoyed the movie…” There were a few groans from the audience. I just wanted to let you know that as a movie fan, something you take for granted is the moment a movie ends and you sit in silence as the credits begin to roll and you absorb what you just saw. And at more than $10 a ticket, I think we should have been allowed this quiet moment. I’d appreciate it if you HAVE to put the plug of the store in, you would do it a minute or two after the credits started rolling. The audience is still in the theater, yet they wouldn’t be subjected to Barry and Elliot bringing them back to reality so quickly.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Gregory Maguire
20 Alcott St. #1
Allston, MA 02134

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To Whom It May Concern at Coca-Cola:

My wife recently purchased a 12-pack of your Coca-Cola with Lime.

It sucked.


Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Gregory Maguire
20 Alcott St #1
Allston, MA 02134

went to charlie's for trivia last night.

our waitress didn't check on us for an hour and a half as we played. we all had empty glasses. that was the first time i've ever left a tip below 15% in my life. the worst service i'd ever had, i still left about 15%. i left this waitress about 8% and i think that was a bit too much.

also, the name of the infamous rivals to LA's gang, the bloods, is the CRIPS, not the CRYPTS. just letting you know so you don't sound like a dumb white suburbanite. (ironically, after i insisted there was no "t" bree said that it was dumb white kids who probably thought it was "crips" as opposed to "crypts.")

and there is no such person at Mr. Polaroid. in case you're an idiot like me.

See this movie and you'll laugh.

you just don't see many seeing eye dogs around anymore.

Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with gloves. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Gerry Callahan?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Trot Nixon and you curse my attitude. You have that luxury.
You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that my taking a day off, while tragic, probably wins games.
And my attitude, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins games...You don't want the truth.

Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties or on message boards, you Want me in front of that that wall. You NEED me in front of that wall.

We use words like HRs, RBIs, and OPS...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something.
You use them as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who celebrates and rejoices under the blanket of the very wins I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide them!
I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way.
Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a glove or bat and stand a position.

Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

So I’m a big Red Sox fan. Normally I don’t mind missing games if something better is going on.

It’s a Friday night so there are obviously other options. But for tonight, I’m saying fuck that and gearing up for some really good baseball.

The Old Towne Team is taking on the Phillies of Philadelphia. Normally it’d be just a game, but Terry Francona used to be the manager of the Phillies. And the notoriously harsh fans never really warmed up to Tito. So he returns while the Boston Globe publishes an interview with Tito from this spring where he trashes the Philly fans and – GASP! - Geno’s cheesesteaks!
All reports indicate that fans from “baby New York” are quite bitter and angry (especially about the Geno’s comment) and one radio host from the City of Brotherly Love promised that there would be a “surprise” for the Sox manager before the game tonight.

Good Lord, I didn’t think they were so sensitive about their cheesesteaks. Or are they a little bitter at our city for the Pats victory in the Super Bowl? Or that Tito got the Sox a title in his first year here?

Elisabeth. You need to confirm or deny all of this. Is my local sports radio station just doing what it does best? Get me overly excited about just another game in June. Everyone seems to be getting into it, calling up trashing the cheesesteaks. (I know you won’t defend them.)

And I’d say this is the best interleague game going on right now, but Pedro is pitching against the Yankees at the Stadium tonight and it’s going to be on ESPN. I thought for a minute about putting two TV’s in my living room to have them both going. But then decided it would be a little too sports bar/frat boy like. Maybe I’ll just ask the guys upstairs if I can watch the games with them.

Whew. Anyone want to come over and BBQ and watch some potential ESPN future Classics?

Oh and here’s a link to the Tito article:
http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2005/06/24/manager_had_them_seeing_red_in_philadelphia/?page=1

When you're feeling sorry for yourself there is no better music than Uncle Tupelo.

Eddie and I threw an impromptu Summer Solstice BBQ last night. Good food and good times. I'm not yet savvy or ambitious enough to put in a link to my LJ friends that were there. But in attendance were thisanimalman (Nick), onehalfpint (Becca), and colorsinbraille (Patrick). As well as some much cooler non LJ people like Jim, Jason, and Jackie.

And even though I insisted it wouldn't be rude if people brought their food home with them. Left behind were the following goodies:

Guinness: 1 Bottle
Amstel Light: 1 Bottle
Tofutti Cutie, Peanut Butter: 1 Bar
Klondike Bars, Chocolate: 2 Bars
Processed American Cheese: 2 Slices
Buns, Sesame Seeded: 4


There are probably a few more items I have yet to take itinerary of. But I'll keep you all posted.

I saw Batman Begins last night and I can’t quite decide whether it’s the greatest movie of all time or the single greatest achievement in the history of man.

It’s been a while since I’d seen a movie based on DC comics. I’m not even sure there have been any recently. But since Marvel has been dominating the comic book movie market for years now, I noticed a striking similarity between DC’s new “DC Movies” logo/intro and that of Marvel’s that precede the films. (In fact the whole idea of DC Films is taken from Marvel).

But no matter, this film surpasses every Marvel movie. In fact, it surpasses every comic book movie ever made.

They just did the movie right from top to bottom. It makes me wonder why the 1989 version was so half-assed. Why would they invest so much money and time into a movie with such weak dialogue? But I think pictures like Hulk and Spider-Man 2 have raised the level of comic book movies. Not only are the effects better these days but there is a lot more effort put into developing a character and the psyche behind the type of person forced or driven to become a superhero. It does wonders. I cite this as the primary reason for Batman Begins’ success. The movie, for the most part, looks just as good (albeit different) as the 1989 and 1992 versions. There are a number of shots and effects that were impossible back then, but it’s not as if an extended Chicago – I mean Gotham City – or some hallucinogenic worms are what made this one head and shoulders above the rest. It was the characters, the story, and the plausibility applied to every carefully placed detail. Everything is explained, no matter how ridiculous it seems.

I always find the most enjoyable parts of superhero movies are when their history is revealed.
Look at the first Spider-Man. I cherished the movie as he discovered his powers and harnessed them to become Spider-Man. Then it was as if there were obligations to include a Supervillain and thrust our hero into battle with it. In the end the Green Goblin stuff came across as rushed and superfluous. They should have spent more time developing Spider-Man and simply acknowledged that this was just the first installment and better villains and adventures were to come. Like they did with X-Men (even if they didn’t come right out and say it.)

Batman Begins finds the happy medium. Not only do they cover his roots in great detail, but said roots also tie in very soundly with the legend of Gotham City and what the villains are up to there. And even though the traditional Supervillain is present, he’s peripheral to the main scourge that Batman is fighting, but in the process gets fleshed out to return in a later chapter. It’s brilliant.

Credit must be given to the performances and dialogue to keep all of this afloat. Everyone is well cast and the comic relief is actually funny.

And there is something to be said about effects that blow stuff up real good but don’t use explosives as a crutch that all action sequences lean on. The concluding showdown uses the same philosophy: we’ve already been wowed. Why resort to a long, boring, drawn out fight where the villain dies, but he’s not really dead yet and a hundred more familiar punches are exchanged. The pacing is quick, but there’s a lot of ground to cover and even if some material seems rushed, I’ll take a jam-packed 2 hours and 20 minutes over a bogged down 3 hours any day of the week.

NOTES ON JORDON’S IMAX:

Jordan’s Furniture Natick is enormous and sits atop a hill. It can be seen for miles. Yet the driveway is just made up of two lanes sandwiched between two small parking lots. All of this, I fear, is all planned to add to some kind of legend or mystique I associate with Jordan’s. A place I was only visiting for the second time in my life.

I’ve accepted that the whole world has gone corporate and anything is used to sell. But there’s still something disturbing about Mardi Gras being used as a family friendly theme. At least they weren’t handing out Hurricanes with the beads.

Kelly’s Roast Beef is there and it’s as tasty as the legend would have you believe. Jordan’s cleverly places its eateries near the entrance and the IMAX at the other end of the store. So in order to see your movie, you have to pass through the store where food and drink are not allowed. So I couldn’t bring my orange soda from Kelly’s into the IMAX, but I outsmarted them by smuggling the bag of leftover onion rings in my jacket pocket to bring into the theater (good thing it was 50 degrees out in June). I do feel as if this policy coupled with the portions at Kelly’s is promoting the waste of food. And my refusal to “tater tot” my soda or buy a new one left me a little parched to say the least. But Patrick and Becca (with help from Eddie) actually employed the Free Refills policy, marking the first time anyone has ever done so in the history of movie going. They gave me a sip and I was all right.

Although the 3D is something to behold and the seat rumbling made my bum feel good, I didn’t feel like the IMAX screen was all that much better than going to a good theater. It was as if I was just very close to the screen but didn’t have to look up. While the sweeping shots of sprawling scenery were nice, the fight scenes made me wish I was another fifty feet back so I could see what was going on. (It is said that for ideal viewing, you should sit twice as far as the screen is wide.)

I don’t know how you feel about the Jordan brothers, but I can’t stand them. And they tried their damnedest to ruin the movie for me. Now this might not sound like a big deal, but believe me it’s something you take for granted. Onscreen, Batman sweeps across the screen to end the movie as the score bellows. The title comes up. Suddenly the music cuts out and is replaced by Barry and Elliot’s annoying voices chiming in with “I hope you enjoyed the movie! Don’t forget to…” There were more than a few groans from the audience. If it was absolutely required that they get a plug in, they should have waited a minute. People are still in the theater to hear them, but they’d still get to enjoy that brief period when a great movie ends and the end title comes up. You’re not following the movie anymore. But instead you sit in darkness and absorb what you just saw. Sometimes it really is the little things.

Whew. What more can you say? Three Super Bowl Champion DVDs in four years. Wow. I can hardly believe it. Some say that nothing beats your FIRST Super Bowl Champion DVD, but let me tell you, getting these Super Bowl Champion DVDs never gets old.
Some people get one Super Bowl Champion DVD and they're content. But I'm a fierce competitor and I'm not like that.
Two years ago it was hard when I didn't get a Super Bowl Champion DVD. You get one Super Bowl Champion DVD, and you find you set a high standard for yourself. And even though everyone is gunning for you and your next Super Bowl Champion DVD, you feel confident enough that you can go out there, give 100%, and get another Super Bowl Champion DVD.
That was a rough offseason but it was nice to be able to bounce back last year and get a second Super Bowl Champion DVD, let me tell ya.
Don't think I'm taking any of these Super Bowl Champion DVDs for granted. Because you never know what may happen. Some great guys out there were never able to get a Super Bowl Champion DVD, so I know how blessed I am.
But summing up, I just want to thank God for giving me the ability to watch this Super Bowl Champion DVD. And I don't see any reason why I can't get a few more Super Bowl Champion DVDs in the years to come.